disRESPECT: Hip-Hop is Validating Justin Bieber & It Must Be Stopped

Transport yourself back to high school for a minute. Imagine you’re at your locker, backpack cooly slung over your right shoulder as you rummage around for your packed lunch because you know your mom put Gushers in it today. Suddenly, a kid you’ve never seen before comes strolling down the hallway. His hair is clearly being suffocated by product. He’s wearing a diamond stud in both of his ears. His purple cardigan rests just above his tight black pants, which are tucked into whatever $300 pair of Nikes that are attached to his feet. A freaking bandanna is billowing out of his back pocket. You’d hate that kid right? You’d sort of want to punch him right in his smug face? It was like when you were in middle school and guys would come in wearing Abercrombie & Fitch. You just automatically hated them. (If you were one of those kids who wore Abercrombie, just nod your head and apologize.)

Well America, I’m sorry to break it to you, but the person I just described is your beloved Justin Bieber. And while it is impossible to snatch Biebermania from the cold, dead hands of teenage girls everywhere, another group is perpetuating the legend, and they can and must be stopped.

Hip-hop, for whatever non-sensical reason, has begun to take a liking to the fair-skinned teeny bopper. Maybe it’s his catchy songs that sound like they were performed by any other white, male pop-star ever. Maybe it’s his super-chic haircut. Or maybe it is just his hip outfits that he wears, similar to the one I described above. Whatever the reason may be, the hip-hop community has embraced the Biebs with open arms, and it’s giving me severe night terrors.

Jay-Z and Kanye let Bieber parade from radio station to radio station, rapping over their sacred “Otis” beat. Complex Magazine put him on their cover. 2 Chainz, Asher Roth and Mac Miller hopped on Bieber’s “Boyfriend” remix, a song that already features Bieber attempting to rap on its original version. Now HipHopDX is reporting that Ludacris, Nicki Minaj, Drake and Big Sean will all appear on Bieb’s upcoming album Believe.

As the great Christine Taylor once said in Dodgeball, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. The kingdom of rap is ready to knight Bieber, and I can’t stand idly by and let it happen. So I have come up with a few steps to banish J-Biebs A.K.A. Shawty Mane (Jesus this kid has more nicknames than Fat Joe) from the realm of hip-hop for good.

1. Force Ludacris to retire. Luda is a far cry from the man who once spent his days asking bitches to get out of the way. He now solely exists to give Justin Bieber confidence in his rap career, from appearing on Bieber’s “Baby” to his work on Believe. This cannot continue. It’s time to hang them up, Ludacris. Just know that your work on “Crash” brings me to tears every time I watch it.

2. Get Drake to have a way too intimate conversation with Bieber. We all know how open Drizzy can be in his music. Why not suggest he meet with Bieber for dinner in a poorly lit room, candles flickering and white wine flowing. He’ll tell Bieber his innermost secrets, and because Bieber is like, what, 6 years old, he won’t understand anything Drake is talking about, get immensely uncomfortable, and swear off hip-hop for good.

3. Finally, have Jay-Z kidnap Bieber and force him to babysit Baby Blue Ivy for the rest of his life. This is one is pretty self-explanatory. How could you ever say no to a babysitting request from the Jigga Man? You can’t. Plus he’d pay you $100,000 per hour and throw in a Roc Nation chain to boot.

Follow these steps hip-hop, and we can stop Biebermania from infiltrating our hollowed grounds. Do the right thing.

Disclaimer: I do not hate Justin Bieber. And although I am aware that by writing this article that an army of Bieberites may come crashing down upon my house, I am fully ready to accept that consequence. But Bieber stepped foot onto my turf, and I just can’t allow it.