Ladies, how familiar are you with your own anatomy? On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your understanding of how each part of your body works? Pretty confident, huh? Well Brian McKnight, decorated R&B singer, scoffs at your supposed knowledge of the fairer sex’s body, specifically the part in which miniature human beings come shooting out of. And he would like to teach you, through song, how it really works.

McKnight has hit that point in every singer’s career in which making an “adult” R&B mixtape seems like a plausible next step. It’s like a mid-life crisis, except instead of buying a Porsche, McKnight wants to turn a high school sex-ed class into a sing along.

In the video below, we find McKnight in the studio, dressed casually in a striped shirt and cargo pants and flashing that infectious smile of his. He wants to share with us what he’s been working on. A preview of his adult mixtape. McKnight seems excited. So are we Brian! Sing to us! A soft piano riff begins playing. Sounds lovely enough. That is, until he starts singing.

Brian McKnight, what in Baby Jesus’ name are you doing? You are 42 years old. There is not a single person in this world that wants to hear the words “squirt,” “vagina” or “pussy” come spewing out of your mouth. Leave the job of describing the delicacies of dining on a woman’s southern region to people like 2 Chainz. Brian McKnight, a typical date for you is sipping red wine while you and your lady friend watch Downton Abbey reruns on PBS before you both fall asleep at 10:30. That’s what 42 year olds do. You no longer have the key to the chastity belt, bro. You will be lucky to even get a kiss in before you son barges in wearing his Toy Story onesie and demanding some warm milk. That’s right Brian McKnight, you have three kids. Looking forward to that phone call from your daughter when she’s out at a club and hears your vagina anthem? It won’t go swimmingly, I can tell you that.

McKnight’s “adult” mixtape reeks of corniness and screams for attention. I just hope it never sees the light of day. Because just as calling a grown ass man “delicious” is unacceptable, so is a 42-year-old crooning about teaching a woman how her vagina works.

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